Realization and Reversions

2pm
At office but AC is broken so very hot
Heart beating fast, tired feeling
Smoked 1/4 of a joint in the car
Face sinus area twitching

Just went on a text rampage sharing violent thoughts with a childhood friend 
Must have had a flashback of bullying

Actually I think it was triggered by the fact it's Easter Sunday and other people are happy doing things with their friends and family. Saw people with their loved ones. Made me hate my life because I dont have any family but my Mom and I grow more resentful of her each day in anger. 

Made me hate my life because I still don't know how to make friends. I don't have anyone I feel that I can call on a holiday. I keep going into violent rages at home so I been renting these lavish hotel rooms with no one to share them with. I hate myself too much to try and reach out to people. I know they will all say no and it will just hurt me and make me hate myself even more and lead to more self harm. 

I actually woke up happy in a nice hotel room this morning but had a mood swing talking to someone about money problems. I had to go home for food and supplements and of course I got worse when I saw my Mom and the glass all over the floor from the table I broke last night..  

Every holiday alone. I'd rather shoot myself than spend another year like this. 

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I havent been journaling cause I seem to write myself into a worse mood. IT's like I have to go into it with a positive goal or an interest in finding a positive outcome otherwise ill write myself into rage and violence.  

Now I have that panic in my stomach wonderingg if something I said on the internet will lead to police knocking on my door. I really hate this cycle. I really do. 

 I learned to escape life, feelings, my environment by going into a virtual world where I almost become a different personality. I become disconnected from the fact that there are real people behind the screen, and even more disconnected from possible consequences. Unfortunately it has turn into my outlet  to get attention from people becuase I dont have real life people to spend time with.

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I wish for 2 things

1. friends and 2. a place to call home

for 15 years i been in a shitbox thats tearing my mind apart
i need to figure out how to get out
I cant go back ever again

I'm so sick of being there I'm getting more violent every time I walk in the door.

I can't get those years back I lost
all those traumatic memories
all those nights and days and weeks I could have spent happy doing thing with freiends
instead of rotting away in the room 

I'm putting everything into storage tomorrow. 

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I am in extreme need of friends and a social life.
The more I get away from my escapist behaviors, the more it becomes a need.

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Outside of home, I have been feeling better as long as I stay fed and hydrated.

The main triggers of my poor moods have been hunger, my apartment, and my mom. 

If i stay fed and away from the apartment, I'm 70% more likely to have a good day with no incidents.

I also think boredom is making me more aggravated and restless. My brain isn't letting me focus on school work and whatnot because my emotional and personal needs are not met. I am creative person, I'm a social person, I'm an active person. Sitting at this screen selling ebay stuff or reading bullshit is killing my soul. I gotta be out there. 

But then where do I go? How does a 32 year old that's still mentally fucked up find friendship? Online dating doesn't work. Addiction groups don't go anywhere. People I meet at gyms don't let me in their circles. 

And I can hear the record playing again in my mind, all start with all the people in elementary, high school, middle shcool, and even college that put me down my whole life. The people who called me a fuckup, a loser, nobody likes me, a loner, a failure, ...... a weirdo. 

I realized I gotta stop being around people and places that make me feel bad about myself. Even if it brings back memories. Read a kanye quote that said the key to avoiding suicide is to stop being around people that make you want to kill yourself.....

My apartment, this neighborhood, certain people and places,..... all triggers I just need to get away from it all.  

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Last night's incident

I had been good all day but later in the night I started having a lot of negative chatter in my head.
Some it being fucked up racist shit I've read on the internet, some of it being fucked up event from the past, I wasn't feeling right and knew I needed to get right

I smoked, went home, was tired and falling asleep, but restless and fighting to stay awake at the same time. I followed the protocol all day. ALA, Choline, NAC, ACV, water and constantly pissing. 

Got irritated looking for remote. Got angry cause I never watch TV and the one time I need to I cant find it. Got angry that the couch is making my back pain worse. Got even more angry I have to sleep in the living room because the noise in my room is so bad due to the cracked window that my Mom doesnt want me to get fixed.

Thought about the year 2014 when I left home for a month and got a place just for my mom to put weed on my desk to "calm me down" which lead to me throwing away that entire year to weed again. Then again in 2019. 

I'm so lonely I want to destroy the world. 

So I break shit. Then get aggressive towards my mom when she yells at me. I leave the house and get a hotel. I fucking hate my life. Please som,eone jsut help me get a place where I can live in peace i promise ill get my life together