Mood: hopeless, angry, violent, sad
Sensation: face swollen from punching self on and off for hours this morning, have a black eye, new scars on arm from elbowing and breaking things. Headache. Spinal pain. I get back and neck pain when I punch myself and slam my head very hard on things.
Feeling: Tired, hungry but very hard to eat, need to smoke weed, i want to kill someone
Thoughts: suicide, destroying my relationships, destroying the world, my destiny as a supervillain because all i get recognized for is destroying. Hopeless that I'll ever get a job that pays me enough to move out and stop bringing trauma to my Mom every day.
Trying to stabilize.
Trying to eat but very hard cause I haven't smoked.
Hard to get my brain to do one thing at a time and stqaabilize myself.
Woke up this morning aggravated but got decent sleep. Did not take Melatonin last night.
Explained to Mom theres a problem with window seal and I cant sleep and keep waking up on the floor and that i need to contact maintenance. She gave me some side mout hresponse and ranted more bullshit, and i got angry, grabbed the amazon alexa, and bashed my forehead in with it.
Then she yells at me and I escalate, punch myself, break door. Ruined the day.
I go into pure rage, headache, I record angry video of person I'm at. I send out self harm videos to person I'm angry at. I initiate the starting works of burning the bridge of a huge 15-year long relationship because im extremely pissed off at one of her friends for the last 6 years. I'm willing to burn it all down to just say fuck you to this person and traumatize them.
I know my self harm videos fuck with people, and so does my personality when I'm my other self. It shocks people and freaks them out. Even when the men act tough my self mutilation fucks with them in a different way. It's abuse in the form of traumatizing people through my self harm. The goal is to disturb, not upset.
I'm tired of punching myself and being angry over this person. I never want to see him again. If this person is going to be at the house or around the community, then I no longer want to be part of this community. I cannot tolerate being in the same area as this person.
I want to send the video i recorded that I wasn't able to, but some of the stuff i said is threatening and can get me in a lot of trouble.
I dont have a goal in the situation anymore. I wanted to demand respect but I wont get it. Now I just want to show someone how much I am hurt, and how much they hurt me. And project my pain back onto him. I want to project my anger upon them.
I really don't like how I feel. It's 3pm and I had my ALA and Choline doses. I need to eat more though. But I feel mentally paralyzed and shocked and stunned and tired from evertythiong that happened.
I don't want to go home to get my food, or my NAC, or anything at all cause I'lll remember the trauma.
However the commotion of driving, waiting in line, pikcing what to dorder, driving somewhere else to eat, driving back to the office..... all that becomes aggravating too. I just want to call and ask my mom not to be home so i can get my shit i need and leave.
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It's hard to know how well my treatment is working because my Mom and my apartment are constant trauma triggers. No treatment is successful in this situation.
My life is getting destroyed by this.
I'm going to get some food, and drink a shit ton of water.
I feel better having made a few calls writing this, and thinking about other more positive stuff, like girls. I beendrinking liters of water.
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I had went home around 3 and ad food along with another argument and saying awful things to my Mom to hurt her feelings and I dont know I just say crazy shit to fuck with her I think its a fucked up form of venting and abuse I need to stop. I say horrible things about myself, suicide, death, how horriblel ife is, i say the worst possible saddest things a man could ever utter, and directly to my moms ear. It's fucked
Ate Oatmeal, chugged avocado oil, got my electrolytes, LOLA, ACV too. Markedly felt better with the potassium water, chugging avo oil, and something else I forgot.
Got back to the office and meditated for 10 mins. Fell asleep on office floor for 3 hours.
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