Still Didn't Win

Performance I did in music class was a trainwreck. I said it was due to nervousness, but honestly I just didn't know the lyrics. I jumped the gun cause I was trying to force myself into the situation, sort of like what I would do in dance, and force my brain to pick it up. But now I'm older, and this is also a new art form for me, so I should spend more energy on preparation.

After class I went straight to the practice room and drilled it into memory. 

At night I went to an improv event. It's like an open mic improv that's a nonstop concert. Great house band and people come up and sing.

MY last performance there a year ago went really really bad. And I get deep feelings of shame and self hate every time I think of it. So I decided to go back and replace that memory with a successful performance.

I invited some friends, including a rapper I met online, and we hung out at the improv. I can't say I was nervous, as much as I was confused. I didn't know how to navigate the situation. Last time I was there I just stood next to the stage until someone passed me the microphone. But this time there was a crowd next to the stage and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to wait in line behind them or jump on the stage, or what. 

The music also made me nervous cause there were very good and well trained vocalists singing up there, and singing song the audience knew, and i was apprehensive of getting up there and doing my think cause my style was so different. 

My own thoughts hold me back, and my lack of willingness to take charge of the stage. I mean, I do it in safe environemtns like school, but being on the stage with the lights shining on you, and everyone wanting a good show. It's something I still haven't been able to do. I'm not a confident performer yet. 

I feel like I let all of my friends down. They all wanted to see me perform, especially my friend Dkwon who came solely to support me. I was the leader in that situation, the alpha, and I bitched out and failed to deliver. I honestly feel like a complete loser. I can tell one of my friend was upset cause he left without saying bye. I just feel like a failure. I still havent had a good performance at that spot, nor have I had a performance that was successful to my own standards, except 2 poems I performed at an open mic. 

Poetry is easy to me though. I want to rap. I want people to see my gift and talents with rapping and music. But I just haven't been able to break out my shell. I had this same problem with dance, and somehow I conquered it. It's hard when you just rap by yourself in your room all the time, and then have to take it to the stage in front of a lot of people. And then I freeze up and my freestyle sucks. 

I know the only solution is to keep doing it and get comfortable in that environment, and face my fcears.  And eve nthough I have all t his talents, I dont know. Today I failed, but maybe tomorrow will be a better day.