Destroy the world

 

Mood: hopeless, angry, violent, sad

Sensation: face swollen from punching self on and off for hours this morning, have a black eye, new scars on arm from elbowing and breaking things. Headache. Spinal pain. I get back and neck pain when I punch myself and slam my head very hard on things. 

Feeling: Tired, hungry but very hard to eat, need to smoke weed, i want to kill someone

Thoughts: suicide, destroying my relationships, destroying the world, my destiny as a supervillain because all i get recognized for is destroying. Hopeless that I'll ever get a job that pays me enough to move out and stop bringing trauma to my Mom every day. 

Trying to stabilize.

Trying to eat but very hard cause I haven't smoked.
Hard to get my brain to do one thing at a time and stqaabilize myself.

Woke up this morning aggravated but got decent sleep. Did not take Melatonin last night. 

Explained to Mom theres a problem with window seal and I cant sleep and keep waking up on the floor and that i need to contact maintenance. She gave me some side mout hresponse and ranted more bullshit, and i got angry, grabbed the amazon alexa, and bashed my forehead in with it. 

Then she yells at me and I escalate, punch myself, break door. Ruined the day. 

I go into pure rage, headache, I record angry video of person I'm at. I send out self harm videos to person I'm angry at. I initiate the starting works of burning the bridge of a huge 15-year long relationship because im extremely pissed off at one of her friends for the last 6 years. I'm willing to burn it all down to just say fuck you to this person and traumatize them.  

I know my self harm videos fuck with people, and so does my personality when I'm my other self. It shocks people and freaks them out. Even when the men act tough my self mutilation fucks with them in a different way. It's abuse in the form of traumatizing people through my self harm. The goal is to disturb, not upset.  

I'm tired of punching myself and being angry over this person. I never want to see him again. If this person is going to be at the house or around the community, then I no longer want to be part of this community. I cannot tolerate being in the same area as this person.  

I want to send the video i recorded that I wasn't able to, but some of the stuff i said is threatening and can get me in a lot of trouble. 

I dont have a goal in the situation anymore. I wanted to demand respect but I wont get it. Now I just want to show someone how much I am hurt, and how much they hurt me. And project my pain back onto him. I want to project my anger upon them. 

I really don't like how I feel. It's 3pm and I had my ALA and Choline doses. I need to eat more though. But I feel mentally paralyzed and shocked and stunned and tired from evertythiong that happened. 

      I don't want to go home to get my food, or my NAC, or anything at all cause I'lll remember the trauma. 

However the commotion of driving, waiting in line, pikcing what to dorder, driving somewhere else to eat, driving back to the office..... all that becomes aggravating too. I just want to call and ask my mom not to be home so i can get my shit i need and leave.  

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It's hard to know how well my treatment is working because my Mom and my apartment are constant trauma triggers. No treatment is successful in this situation. 

My life is getting destroyed by this.  

I'm going to get some food, and drink a shit ton of water.

I feel better having made a few calls writing this, and thinking about other more positive stuff, like girls. I beendrinking liters of water.

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I had went home around 3 and ad food along with another argument and saying awful things to my Mom to hurt her feelings and I dont know I just say crazy shit to fuck with her I think its a fucked up form of venting and abuse I need to stop. I say horrible things about myself, suicide, death, how horriblel ife is, i say the worst possible saddest things a man could ever utter, and directly to my moms ear. It's fucked

Ate Oatmeal, chugged avocado oil, got my electrolytes, LOLA, ACV too. Markedly felt better with the potassium water, chugging avo oil, and something else I forgot.  

Got back to the office and meditated for 10 mins. Fell asleep on office floor for 3 hours. 

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Connectting to me

 Mood: highly creative, happy, joyful, reminsnscent of mania? or just a good mood?

sensaiton: heat, itchiness, sticky skin

location: apartment

daily doses: ALA , choline, b complex in am, NAC twice, electrolytes, healthy food

good day

had a pretty angry rage spell when i was thinking about and record ind aboutr someone im upset at

when i rapped and went to smoke i felt better

its a stuck point in my life that is a big deal but im not thinking about it anymore

but still i figured out imma just tell the dude what i have to say and fuck it be out

mood and thoughts immediately got worse entering apartment

got in a better mood cooking

and then this girl hit me back from class that was cool

in a good mood with the way things went today

thinking of a lot of cool and funny shit in my head

really need to get my own place and a creative space to make my work 

getting explosions of ideas like im in my 20s again

im like tired and dont wanna do shit, but too awake to relax

prolly ned melatonin and some chill activity to do thjats mildly sescapist

i really wanna start working out

but yeah bodyt tingles weird

smoke weed to feel

Ahead of my self

Time for more bullshit but fuck it and fuck you. 

I shit fuck and ass shitted everywhere.

Shit fucking motherfucking shit lets get this shit back to where you are doing to try and be great

I need my brain back I need to sober up even if its just for part of the day needs to wake up im too in the cloud.

Too much jerking off is putting my brain in the fog too.

And games and shit made everything else thats not games boriung as shit.

Shit so my main mission should just be getting the fuck sober for a day. Even if i gotta reinstall bulshiut fuckin video games for a day just to let myself sober up.

Then i need to just go a few days not jerking so my brains wakes the fuck back up shit.

I might as well fast like a faggot and not eat since this fucking binge eating is also making me feel fucked up. Maybe just have salads and smoothies like a queer bitch.

Also need to sleep and wake the fuck up early dumb negro. You did all this work to get your sleepin on track maine. 

Then the PT, the fuckin PT. Do the fuckin PT fat fuck.

We need a routine, or at least some big behaviors to change for the next week so you can get your brain warmed up to do life stuff. Main battle right now with with lethargy and sluggishness and obesity. I dont wanna do shit and everythign responsible taking upp too much energy.

Weed, porn, games, and food making me too tired for anything.

Big things I need to take care of
1. Sell Car
2. Buy Car
3. Court Next Week
4. Traffic Ticket
5. Enroll For School - El Camino Fall,
6. Get AA Degree - Follow Up
7. Make Transfer Plan
8. Get A Job
9. Get A+ Cert
10. Brush Up On Skills

Medium things but still important
1. Get Hair Products
2. Get good idea on moving rates
3. Make Daily Schedule
4. Get Apt Stuff (Book Stand and Floor Lamp)

All into consideration I need to think about how im going to taper off bad habits and layer in good ones. I'm going to try taking out the weed and adding meditation. Putting Workout in place of games. And putting music in place of porn. PRobably isnt perfect but I just need a few changes to keep track of. 

Wnna have a daily routine. At least get PT done daily, and eat decent.

Its extremely important that I do my PT, my cardio, eat well, and sleep well. I should make this might highest priority in terms of daily tasks. gonna add it as my imperatives

1. PT Workouts
2. Cook Food
3. Meditate
4. Journal
5. Sleep 

I think I should review this tomorrow, I really want to commit to a better life, because I think I have the tools, I just need to concentrate, maintain focus, and devote myself to self improvement. 

I'm Pretty Tight

Man, piano and voice are such separate ways of thinking at time. I literally have to give myself a 30-60 minute break between practice sessions just to give my brain a chance to switch gears. One is physio-psychological based approach to controlling my body to make it an instrument, the other is manipulating an instrument based on what the writing on the paper tells me to do.  

It's great learning both. And I regret not maintaining the discipline I had the first 2 weeks of the semester. However, I had adderall available those weeks, and I wasn't having my sleep so disrupted by the neighbors upstiars.  

But now I'm at the point where I found a nice flow in the daily to set up a good time to practice, and a good space to practice, after getting a small keyboard for the home, and memorizing my new neighbors schedule to have a good time to sing.  

As far as my creative concerns go, I'm slowly getting ideas to come back. Getting some exercise helped a lot when I jogged, and so did rapping with people online, and forcing myself to rap lol.  

Still want to get back into singing mode. I guess I feel like I dont want to keep creating, because I'm so concerned about the songs I'm sitting on, that I don't want to give myself more songs piled up to work on, because I already have plenty. I'll get on that another day.  

The Drake song I'm singing in voice just isn't working out. My voice just isn't hitting the notes there and making it sound good. It's such a flat uninteresting sound. Even when I practice I'm pretty off key.  

We will see what happens cause I already went over this enough to day.   

Before The Ambien Hits

This is more of a check-in than anything: 

Feeling off, but also more relaxed. 

Playing a lil bit of games was a relief. I immediately felt more relaxed, need to have a similar outlet if I can find what it serves me and how to recreate it. 

I feel like my weed smoking is getting in the way. I'm not sharp. When I had my lil bit of adderall it helped, now it just makes me cloudy, hazy. I wanna get out of this fog cause it hinders my motivation, which hinders how much time I spend on music. 

I noticed I'm in a waay better mood when I get my little hit of weed in the morning, but man, I get like zero time to myself sober. I'm thinking of at least trying to make it to the end of school to smoke.   

orning
- Dont Smoke Til School is Done
- Medications and short walk down the street
- Do PT immediately
- Pack lunch
- Breakfast/Juice at Co-Op
- Review what we are learning that day
- Piano Hand Warmups

Afternoon:
- Smoke If Needed
- Take Short Walk or Lunch Break    3
- Practice Piano 30-40 min
- Practice Singing 30-40 min
- Get Extra Reading and HW Done at Main Campus
- Spend 1 hour on a music project

Nightly
- Start bedtime ritual at 9
- Get clothes and stuff ready before bed
- Review To do List
- Shower and Shave
- Pray for Forgiveness, Love, And Discipline

Weds/Thurs:
- Make Plans for Fri/Sat
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Friday:
- Morning at the Spa
- Lunch at Spa
- Get Massage if Needed
- Acupuncture at 1pm
- Go to Nearby Library, Office, Etc.
- Take Care of Calls/Appts
- Handle Shit On Linoit Lists
- Any Online Stuff
- Any homework due
- 30 min Vocal Practice
- Pickup Weed
- Dre's World 

Saturday:

- Morning Walk + PT
- Wash Car
- Groceries
- Breakfast + Smoke (If around Mom)
- Review Weekend Plans
- Clean up and Chores and Help Mom
- Leave house for at least 4 hours. Do something that day.
- Practice Piano 30 min
- Practice Warmup and Song
- 4 hours in Dre's World 


Sunday:

- Morning Walk + PT
- Wash Car / Groceries
- Meditation Class or Audiobook Drive
- Leave hours for 4 hours. 
- Dre's World
- SPAA Meeting at 6.30 
- Make plans for Week
- Review Work and Homework

Fuckin Up

Fucked up my opera peformance today. Same reason I fucked up my piano one.

I get excited and think ahead. Or I'm so into the performance aspect that I lose my technique and forget repetoire.

Reminds me of my dance days where I would completely fuck up a lot of performances because I got too excited and jumped too high that led to a fall, or threw someone too hard, spun too fast, danced too hard and ran out of breath, etc.

It's very frustrating. Not because the feeling is new, but because it's one I'm way too familiar with.

I was watching my favorite lyricist and battle rapper Danny Myers give tips on having good performances. He honed in on memorizing your lines and being well rehearsed. He said you should be thinking about your lines in your head all day every. It should be so ingrained in your head that you wake up reciting your bars. That you can spit when you are sleepy, sad, sick, happy, whener.

He stressed that choking is simply unacceptable. Because whether or not someone knows the lyrics, once someone chokes, the battle is automatically lost. There's no real recovery from that. Your performance is fucked, and done.

I also get frustrated cause I got a lot on the line. I'm not doing this for fun. I'm at the end of my rope and its do or die in this entertainment shit, cause I'm already too late and I fucked up a lot of opportunities elsewhere, so theres a lot of underlying pressure circulating my progress.

I'm not really mad that I choked, I'm mad that I wasted all this time learning the piece, memorizing it, performing it over and over, and perfecting it, just to completely fucked it up when it actually mattered. I might as well have not even bothered learning it in the first place.

But taking responsibility for this, I shouldn't have got lost into the performance aspect, and should have learned from my piano class fuckup.

I took the day off yesterday because I haven't been getting any sleep. I slept in, and I completely wasted the day doing jack shit except for rehearsing it a few times before I went to bed. And since I was feeling so well-rested, I stayed up until 3 am.

Then I woke up pissed off about some shit, already tired and sleep deprived, vocals feeling like crap. Felt hazy all morning, jaw tight from grinding all night, and I just failed, so thats that.

I'm mad at myself I didn't take care of myself on my day off. Didn't work on music or practice or nothin.

I don't know what to do. I can go back to the piano rooms and practice but I feel like smashing the fuck out of them. I wanna socialize and distract myself since I been in class mode for 6 hours straight, but I still need to practice.

I also got other heavy shit on my mind thats getting in the way.

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Back in the day when I would journal, before the demons took over my life, I would create a positive catharsis at the end, so here's an attempt: 

It's good that I'm making these mistakes at school and I am in a safe environment where these mistakes won't have huge negative conseqeunces on my life on career. They call this a learning envornment for a reason and one of the things I have to learn is to stay focus. My Adhd already caused my catastrophic injury and it will cause more catostrophic failure if i dont learn to channel it. Perhaps if I can stop smoking so much and finally get on the right medication, concentration wont be such a challenge, and the only way ill get there is to keep pushing forward. 

The gods will see that I care and the hard work that I'm doing, and no effort will go unrewarded. It is the fruits of persistance that are the sweetest and juiciest. My time spent learning dance will somehow return to server me, and that all the time I spent rotting away in my room will simply be washed away as I shine forward and share my light with tthis world. I will explode into light as I illuminate myself from within, and shine upon the world around me. I'll calm this anger and ego trying to control everything, and allow things to be. Acceptance will help me more than perfectionism. Forgiveness will help me more thanvengeance. Love will help me more than hate. 

But I still need money, so unless I have that, does anything else I'm saying even mean anything? Or will doing the right thing bring it into my life? I hope the latter

Still Didn't Win

Performance I did in music class was a trainwreck. I said it was due to nervousness, but honestly I just didn't know the lyrics. I jumped the gun cause I was trying to force myself into the situation, sort of like what I would do in dance, and force my brain to pick it up. But now I'm older, and this is also a new art form for me, so I should spend more energy on preparation.

After class I went straight to the practice room and drilled it into memory. 

At night I went to an improv event. It's like an open mic improv that's a nonstop concert. Great house band and people come up and sing.

MY last performance there a year ago went really really bad. And I get deep feelings of shame and self hate every time I think of it. So I decided to go back and replace that memory with a successful performance.

I invited some friends, including a rapper I met online, and we hung out at the improv. I can't say I was nervous, as much as I was confused. I didn't know how to navigate the situation. Last time I was there I just stood next to the stage until someone passed me the microphone. But this time there was a crowd next to the stage and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to wait in line behind them or jump on the stage, or what. 

The music also made me nervous cause there were very good and well trained vocalists singing up there, and singing song the audience knew, and i was apprehensive of getting up there and doing my think cause my style was so different. 

My own thoughts hold me back, and my lack of willingness to take charge of the stage. I mean, I do it in safe environemtns like school, but being on the stage with the lights shining on you, and everyone wanting a good show. It's something I still haven't been able to do. I'm not a confident performer yet. 

I feel like I let all of my friends down. They all wanted to see me perform, especially my friend Dkwon who came solely to support me. I was the leader in that situation, the alpha, and I bitched out and failed to deliver. I honestly feel like a complete loser. I can tell one of my friend was upset cause he left without saying bye. I just feel like a failure. I still havent had a good performance at that spot, nor have I had a performance that was successful to my own standards, except 2 poems I performed at an open mic. 

Poetry is easy to me though. I want to rap. I want people to see my gift and talents with rapping and music. But I just haven't been able to break out my shell. I had this same problem with dance, and somehow I conquered it. It's hard when you just rap by yourself in your room all the time, and then have to take it to the stage in front of a lot of people. And then I freeze up and my freestyle sucks. 

I know the only solution is to keep doing it and get comfortable in that environment, and face my fcears.  And eve nthough I have all t his talents, I dont know. Today I failed, but maybe tomorrow will be a better day.