Fuckin Up

Fucked up my opera peformance today. Same reason I fucked up my piano one.

I get excited and think ahead. Or I'm so into the performance aspect that I lose my technique and forget repetoire.

Reminds me of my dance days where I would completely fuck up a lot of performances because I got too excited and jumped too high that led to a fall, or threw someone too hard, spun too fast, danced too hard and ran out of breath, etc.

It's very frustrating. Not because the feeling is new, but because it's one I'm way too familiar with.

I was watching my favorite lyricist and battle rapper Danny Myers give tips on having good performances. He honed in on memorizing your lines and being well rehearsed. He said you should be thinking about your lines in your head all day every. It should be so ingrained in your head that you wake up reciting your bars. That you can spit when you are sleepy, sad, sick, happy, whener.

He stressed that choking is simply unacceptable. Because whether or not someone knows the lyrics, once someone chokes, the battle is automatically lost. There's no real recovery from that. Your performance is fucked, and done.

I also get frustrated cause I got a lot on the line. I'm not doing this for fun. I'm at the end of my rope and its do or die in this entertainment shit, cause I'm already too late and I fucked up a lot of opportunities elsewhere, so theres a lot of underlying pressure circulating my progress.

I'm not really mad that I choked, I'm mad that I wasted all this time learning the piece, memorizing it, performing it over and over, and perfecting it, just to completely fucked it up when it actually mattered. I might as well have not even bothered learning it in the first place.

But taking responsibility for this, I shouldn't have got lost into the performance aspect, and should have learned from my piano class fuckup.

I took the day off yesterday because I haven't been getting any sleep. I slept in, and I completely wasted the day doing jack shit except for rehearsing it a few times before I went to bed. And since I was feeling so well-rested, I stayed up until 3 am.

Then I woke up pissed off about some shit, already tired and sleep deprived, vocals feeling like crap. Felt hazy all morning, jaw tight from grinding all night, and I just failed, so thats that.

I'm mad at myself I didn't take care of myself on my day off. Didn't work on music or practice or nothin.

I don't know what to do. I can go back to the piano rooms and practice but I feel like smashing the fuck out of them. I wanna socialize and distract myself since I been in class mode for 6 hours straight, but I still need to practice.

I also got other heavy shit on my mind thats getting in the way.

------------------

Back in the day when I would journal, before the demons took over my life, I would create a positive catharsis at the end, so here's an attempt: 

It's good that I'm making these mistakes at school and I am in a safe environment where these mistakes won't have huge negative conseqeunces on my life on career. They call this a learning envornment for a reason and one of the things I have to learn is to stay focus. My Adhd already caused my catastrophic injury and it will cause more catostrophic failure if i dont learn to channel it. Perhaps if I can stop smoking so much and finally get on the right medication, concentration wont be such a challenge, and the only way ill get there is to keep pushing forward. 

The gods will see that I care and the hard work that I'm doing, and no effort will go unrewarded. It is the fruits of persistance that are the sweetest and juiciest. My time spent learning dance will somehow return to server me, and that all the time I spent rotting away in my room will simply be washed away as I shine forward and share my light with tthis world. I will explode into light as I illuminate myself from within, and shine upon the world around me. I'll calm this anger and ego trying to control everything, and allow things to be. Acceptance will help me more than perfectionism. Forgiveness will help me more thanvengeance. Love will help me more than hate. 

But I still need money, so unless I have that, does anything else I'm saying even mean anything? Or will doing the right thing bring it into my life? I hope the latter