Realization and Reversions

2pm
At office but AC is broken so very hot
Heart beating fast, tired feeling
Smoked 1/4 of a joint in the car
Face sinus area twitching

Just went on a text rampage sharing violent thoughts with a childhood friend 
Must have had a flashback of bullying

Actually I think it was triggered by the fact it's Easter Sunday and other people are happy doing things with their friends and family. Saw people with their loved ones. Made me hate my life because I dont have any family but my Mom and I grow more resentful of her each day in anger. 

Made me hate my life because I still don't know how to make friends. I don't have anyone I feel that I can call on a holiday. I keep going into violent rages at home so I been renting these lavish hotel rooms with no one to share them with. I hate myself too much to try and reach out to people. I know they will all say no and it will just hurt me and make me hate myself even more and lead to more self harm. 

I actually woke up happy in a nice hotel room this morning but had a mood swing talking to someone about money problems. I had to go home for food and supplements and of course I got worse when I saw my Mom and the glass all over the floor from the table I broke last night..  

Every holiday alone. I'd rather shoot myself than spend another year like this. 

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I havent been journaling cause I seem to write myself into a worse mood. IT's like I have to go into it with a positive goal or an interest in finding a positive outcome otherwise ill write myself into rage and violence.  

Now I have that panic in my stomach wonderingg if something I said on the internet will lead to police knocking on my door. I really hate this cycle. I really do. 

 I learned to escape life, feelings, my environment by going into a virtual world where I almost become a different personality. I become disconnected from the fact that there are real people behind the screen, and even more disconnected from possible consequences. Unfortunately it has turn into my outlet  to get attention from people becuase I dont have real life people to spend time with.

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I wish for 2 things

1. friends and 2. a place to call home

for 15 years i been in a shitbox thats tearing my mind apart
i need to figure out how to get out
I cant go back ever again

I'm so sick of being there I'm getting more violent every time I walk in the door.

I can't get those years back I lost
all those traumatic memories
all those nights and days and weeks I could have spent happy doing thing with freiends
instead of rotting away in the room 

I'm putting everything into storage tomorrow. 

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I am in extreme need of friends and a social life.
The more I get away from my escapist behaviors, the more it becomes a need.

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Outside of home, I have been feeling better as long as I stay fed and hydrated.

The main triggers of my poor moods have been hunger, my apartment, and my mom. 

If i stay fed and away from the apartment, I'm 70% more likely to have a good day with no incidents.

I also think boredom is making me more aggravated and restless. My brain isn't letting me focus on school work and whatnot because my emotional and personal needs are not met. I am creative person, I'm a social person, I'm an active person. Sitting at this screen selling ebay stuff or reading bullshit is killing my soul. I gotta be out there. 

But then where do I go? How does a 32 year old that's still mentally fucked up find friendship? Online dating doesn't work. Addiction groups don't go anywhere. People I meet at gyms don't let me in their circles. 

And I can hear the record playing again in my mind, all start with all the people in elementary, high school, middle shcool, and even college that put me down my whole life. The people who called me a fuckup, a loser, nobody likes me, a loner, a failure, ...... a weirdo. 

I realized I gotta stop being around people and places that make me feel bad about myself. Even if it brings back memories. Read a kanye quote that said the key to avoiding suicide is to stop being around people that make you want to kill yourself.....

My apartment, this neighborhood, certain people and places,..... all triggers I just need to get away from it all.  

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Last night's incident

I had been good all day but later in the night I started having a lot of negative chatter in my head.
Some it being fucked up racist shit I've read on the internet, some of it being fucked up event from the past, I wasn't feeling right and knew I needed to get right

I smoked, went home, was tired and falling asleep, but restless and fighting to stay awake at the same time. I followed the protocol all day. ALA, Choline, NAC, ACV, water and constantly pissing. 

Got irritated looking for remote. Got angry cause I never watch TV and the one time I need to I cant find it. Got angry that the couch is making my back pain worse. Got even more angry I have to sleep in the living room because the noise in my room is so bad due to the cracked window that my Mom doesnt want me to get fixed.

Thought about the year 2014 when I left home for a month and got a place just for my mom to put weed on my desk to "calm me down" which lead to me throwing away that entire year to weed again. Then again in 2019. 

I'm so lonely I want to destroy the world. 

So I break shit. Then get aggressive towards my mom when she yells at me. I leave the house and get a hotel. I fucking hate my life. Please som,eone jsut help me get a place where I can live in peace i promise ill get my life together  

Live in my office

 9pm

Head hurts from trauma this morning. Constant feeling of needing to drink water.

Just had a dose of LOLA, ALA, Choline, Potassium water and acv and feel normal.

About to eat dinner. I still feel horrible about my behavior and my situatio

Wish there was someone to give me a hug.

Cant work cause I keepo thinking about th terrrible morning I had, need humans to distract me. 

I dont want to go home because itll trigger me to get violent and harm myself and be mean to my mom, so im going to spend the night in the office and sleep on the floor.

I really really want to follow up with the girls I had the balls to reach out to while I was feeling confident the last few days, but I feel like shit and the pain from what happened this morning is stunting my ability to think of social openers and feel socially confident.  

Destroy the world

 

Mood: hopeless, angry, violent, sad

Sensation: face swollen from punching self on and off for hours this morning, have a black eye, new scars on arm from elbowing and breaking things. Headache. Spinal pain. I get back and neck pain when I punch myself and slam my head very hard on things. 

Feeling: Tired, hungry but very hard to eat, need to smoke weed, i want to kill someone

Thoughts: suicide, destroying my relationships, destroying the world, my destiny as a supervillain because all i get recognized for is destroying. Hopeless that I'll ever get a job that pays me enough to move out and stop bringing trauma to my Mom every day. 

Trying to stabilize.

Trying to eat but very hard cause I haven't smoked.
Hard to get my brain to do one thing at a time and stqaabilize myself.

Woke up this morning aggravated but got decent sleep. Did not take Melatonin last night. 

Explained to Mom theres a problem with window seal and I cant sleep and keep waking up on the floor and that i need to contact maintenance. She gave me some side mout hresponse and ranted more bullshit, and i got angry, grabbed the amazon alexa, and bashed my forehead in with it. 

Then she yells at me and I escalate, punch myself, break door. Ruined the day. 

I go into pure rage, headache, I record angry video of person I'm at. I send out self harm videos to person I'm angry at. I initiate the starting works of burning the bridge of a huge 15-year long relationship because im extremely pissed off at one of her friends for the last 6 years. I'm willing to burn it all down to just say fuck you to this person and traumatize them.  

I know my self harm videos fuck with people, and so does my personality when I'm my other self. It shocks people and freaks them out. Even when the men act tough my self mutilation fucks with them in a different way. It's abuse in the form of traumatizing people through my self harm. The goal is to disturb, not upset.  

I'm tired of punching myself and being angry over this person. I never want to see him again. If this person is going to be at the house or around the community, then I no longer want to be part of this community. I cannot tolerate being in the same area as this person.  

I want to send the video i recorded that I wasn't able to, but some of the stuff i said is threatening and can get me in a lot of trouble. 

I dont have a goal in the situation anymore. I wanted to demand respect but I wont get it. Now I just want to show someone how much I am hurt, and how much they hurt me. And project my pain back onto him. I want to project my anger upon them. 

I really don't like how I feel. It's 3pm and I had my ALA and Choline doses. I need to eat more though. But I feel mentally paralyzed and shocked and stunned and tired from evertythiong that happened. 

      I don't want to go home to get my food, or my NAC, or anything at all cause I'lll remember the trauma. 

However the commotion of driving, waiting in line, pikcing what to dorder, driving somewhere else to eat, driving back to the office..... all that becomes aggravating too. I just want to call and ask my mom not to be home so i can get my shit i need and leave.  

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It's hard to know how well my treatment is working because my Mom and my apartment are constant trauma triggers. No treatment is successful in this situation. 

My life is getting destroyed by this.  

I'm going to get some food, and drink a shit ton of water.

I feel better having made a few calls writing this, and thinking about other more positive stuff, like girls. I beendrinking liters of water.

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I had went home around 3 and ad food along with another argument and saying awful things to my Mom to hurt her feelings and I dont know I just say crazy shit to fuck with her I think its a fucked up form of venting and abuse I need to stop. I say horrible things about myself, suicide, death, how horriblel ife is, i say the worst possible saddest things a man could ever utter, and directly to my moms ear. It's fucked

Ate Oatmeal, chugged avocado oil, got my electrolytes, LOLA, ACV too. Markedly felt better with the potassium water, chugging avo oil, and something else I forgot.  

Got back to the office and meditated for 10 mins. Fell asleep on office floor for 3 hours. 

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Connectting to me

 Mood: highly creative, happy, joyful, reminsnscent of mania? or just a good mood?

sensaiton: heat, itchiness, sticky skin

location: apartment

daily doses: ALA , choline, b complex in am, NAC twice, electrolytes, healthy food

good day

had a pretty angry rage spell when i was thinking about and record ind aboutr someone im upset at

when i rapped and went to smoke i felt better

its a stuck point in my life that is a big deal but im not thinking about it anymore

but still i figured out imma just tell the dude what i have to say and fuck it be out

mood and thoughts immediately got worse entering apartment

got in a better mood cooking

and then this girl hit me back from class that was cool

in a good mood with the way things went today

thinking of a lot of cool and funny shit in my head

really need to get my own place and a creative space to make my work 

getting explosions of ideas like im in my 20s again

im like tired and dont wanna do shit, but too awake to relax

prolly ned melatonin and some chill activity to do thjats mildly sescapist

i really wanna start working out

but yeah bodyt tingles weird

smoke weed to feel

Ahead of my self

Time for more bullshit but fuck it and fuck you. 

I shit fuck and ass shitted everywhere.

Shit fucking motherfucking shit lets get this shit back to where you are doing to try and be great

I need my brain back I need to sober up even if its just for part of the day needs to wake up im too in the cloud.

Too much jerking off is putting my brain in the fog too.

And games and shit made everything else thats not games boriung as shit.

Shit so my main mission should just be getting the fuck sober for a day. Even if i gotta reinstall bulshiut fuckin video games for a day just to let myself sober up.

Then i need to just go a few days not jerking so my brains wakes the fuck back up shit.

I might as well fast like a faggot and not eat since this fucking binge eating is also making me feel fucked up. Maybe just have salads and smoothies like a queer bitch.

Also need to sleep and wake the fuck up early dumb negro. You did all this work to get your sleepin on track maine. 

Then the PT, the fuckin PT. Do the fuckin PT fat fuck.

We need a routine, or at least some big behaviors to change for the next week so you can get your brain warmed up to do life stuff. Main battle right now with with lethargy and sluggishness and obesity. I dont wanna do shit and everythign responsible taking upp too much energy.

Weed, porn, games, and food making me too tired for anything.

Big things I need to take care of
1. Sell Car
2. Buy Car
3. Court Next Week
4. Traffic Ticket
5. Enroll For School - El Camino Fall,
6. Get AA Degree - Follow Up
7. Make Transfer Plan
8. Get A Job
9. Get A+ Cert
10. Brush Up On Skills

Medium things but still important
1. Get Hair Products
2. Get good idea on moving rates
3. Make Daily Schedule
4. Get Apt Stuff (Book Stand and Floor Lamp)

All into consideration I need to think about how im going to taper off bad habits and layer in good ones. I'm going to try taking out the weed and adding meditation. Putting Workout in place of games. And putting music in place of porn. PRobably isnt perfect but I just need a few changes to keep track of. 

Wnna have a daily routine. At least get PT done daily, and eat decent.

Its extremely important that I do my PT, my cardio, eat well, and sleep well. I should make this might highest priority in terms of daily tasks. gonna add it as my imperatives

1. PT Workouts
2. Cook Food
3. Meditate
4. Journal
5. Sleep 

I think I should review this tomorrow, I really want to commit to a better life, because I think I have the tools, I just need to concentrate, maintain focus, and devote myself to self improvement. 

I'm Pretty Tight

Man, piano and voice are such separate ways of thinking at time. I literally have to give myself a 30-60 minute break between practice sessions just to give my brain a chance to switch gears. One is physio-psychological based approach to controlling my body to make it an instrument, the other is manipulating an instrument based on what the writing on the paper tells me to do.  

It's great learning both. And I regret not maintaining the discipline I had the first 2 weeks of the semester. However, I had adderall available those weeks, and I wasn't having my sleep so disrupted by the neighbors upstiars.  

But now I'm at the point where I found a nice flow in the daily to set up a good time to practice, and a good space to practice, after getting a small keyboard for the home, and memorizing my new neighbors schedule to have a good time to sing.  

As far as my creative concerns go, I'm slowly getting ideas to come back. Getting some exercise helped a lot when I jogged, and so did rapping with people online, and forcing myself to rap lol.  

Still want to get back into singing mode. I guess I feel like I dont want to keep creating, because I'm so concerned about the songs I'm sitting on, that I don't want to give myself more songs piled up to work on, because I already have plenty. I'll get on that another day.  

The Drake song I'm singing in voice just isn't working out. My voice just isn't hitting the notes there and making it sound good. It's such a flat uninteresting sound. Even when I practice I'm pretty off key.  

We will see what happens cause I already went over this enough to day.   

Before The Ambien Hits

This is more of a check-in than anything: 

Feeling off, but also more relaxed. 

Playing a lil bit of games was a relief. I immediately felt more relaxed, need to have a similar outlet if I can find what it serves me and how to recreate it. 

I feel like my weed smoking is getting in the way. I'm not sharp. When I had my lil bit of adderall it helped, now it just makes me cloudy, hazy. I wanna get out of this fog cause it hinders my motivation, which hinders how much time I spend on music. 

I noticed I'm in a waay better mood when I get my little hit of weed in the morning, but man, I get like zero time to myself sober. I'm thinking of at least trying to make it to the end of school to smoke.   

orning
- Dont Smoke Til School is Done
- Medications and short walk down the street
- Do PT immediately
- Pack lunch
- Breakfast/Juice at Co-Op
- Review what we are learning that day
- Piano Hand Warmups

Afternoon:
- Smoke If Needed
- Take Short Walk or Lunch Break    3
- Practice Piano 30-40 min
- Practice Singing 30-40 min
- Get Extra Reading and HW Done at Main Campus
- Spend 1 hour on a music project

Nightly
- Start bedtime ritual at 9
- Get clothes and stuff ready before bed
- Review To do List
- Shower and Shave
- Pray for Forgiveness, Love, And Discipline

Weds/Thurs:
- Make Plans for Fri/Sat
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Friday:
- Morning at the Spa
- Lunch at Spa
- Get Massage if Needed
- Acupuncture at 1pm
- Go to Nearby Library, Office, Etc.
- Take Care of Calls/Appts
- Handle Shit On Linoit Lists
- Any Online Stuff
- Any homework due
- 30 min Vocal Practice
- Pickup Weed
- Dre's World 

Saturday:

- Morning Walk + PT
- Wash Car
- Groceries
- Breakfast + Smoke (If around Mom)
- Review Weekend Plans
- Clean up and Chores and Help Mom
- Leave house for at least 4 hours. Do something that day.
- Practice Piano 30 min
- Practice Warmup and Song
- 4 hours in Dre's World 


Sunday:

- Morning Walk + PT
- Wash Car / Groceries
- Meditation Class or Audiobook Drive
- Leave hours for 4 hours. 
- Dre's World
- SPAA Meeting at 6.30 
- Make plans for Week
- Review Work and Homework